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Stock Market Shot Dead at Fox News Headquarters

Confusing and Contradictory Information Surfaces Surrounding Shooting Incident

During a college frat party in late 2010 a group of business majors wondered if the stock market were a person how would that person look and act. What had started the conversation was each of them had often heard the stock market referred to as a person with human like emotions. One of them had an Ouija board so they decided to summon the stock market. According to some party attendees they were not able to summon the stock market but a few weird and eerie things happened. A noise, cool air, and smells which really scared the girls.

After the Ouija board party the friends slowly grew afraid and stopped going into the bedroom where the party had been. The student who had lived in the room moved and the room sat empty. All they could really say was the room gave them a bad feeling.

In July of 2011 Fox News began receiving calls from someone claiming to be Mr. Stock Market. An intern, Winston, working for the news giant’s business section took the calls.

The caller claimed to be The Stock Market and said he had an insane ability to predict the markets performance. The intern was doubtful however he agreed to give Mr. Stock Market the opportunity to prove his claims. During the initial call Mr. Stock Market asked to be referred to as SM.


During many calls over the next month Winston became convinced that SM had an uncanny ability to predict the market. However he was concerned with SM insistence that he WAS the stock market and was only the result of so many people referring to the stock market as a person with emotions and feelings that he had become the manifestations of the talk. Winston convinced SM to stop with the “I am the Stock Market” talk otherwise he could not introduce him to Neil Cavuto who evidently was SM’s hero.

Winston, working with Neil Cavuto’s staff, made the arrangements for a meeting between SM and Mr. Cavuto. Winston had generally been convinced that SM was a sane, normal run of the mill guy. With the exception of “I’ am the Stock Market” which he thought was SM being eccentric, Winston never thought it necessary for him to meet SM in person. So the day of the meeting was the first time he had actually seen SM.

The meeting went bad from the start. SM was lead into the room by a secretary. Standing in front of everyone was a scary, deranged and angry looking clown. It’s unclear who screamed first but the effects were immediate. The clown lost control and begin shouting. “It’s because of people like you that I,” the stock market, “look like this.” SM went on to say, “I have every known mental disorder. You news guys have me happy, sad, anticipating, gloomy, bearish, and bullish with mood changes at any report or the simplest news. Most days I don’t know if I am coming or going.” Aware that something was wrong Fox employee’s called the police who arrived and in the confusion the Stock Market was shot dead.

In the dead mans wallet was his drivers license, pictured here, along with his SSN card. Curiously the SSN number is the serial number of the last $100.000 dollar bill printed in 1934. Mr Cavuto provided this insight.

A few days later SM’s body disappeared and no information could be provided to determine its location. Fox News will acknowledge only that police were called. The police acknowledge that they responded to a disturbance at Fox News.

Rumors are reportedly circulating the hallways of Fox New headquarters that Neil Cavuto shot dead the stock market.

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